Who Will Be in Control of The Relationship?

Who Will Be in Control of The Relationship?

In the true spirit of humility (lowliness of mind) let each regard the others as better than and superior to himself. Philippians 2:3 (amp. ).

Who’s in charge here? Who’s in control of this project? These questions are asked thousands of times each day, especially in business and industry.

However, they are rarely asked or even discussed in the marital relationship, and yet they should be. The issue of control is one of the major conflicts which can develop in a relationship. It usually surfaces in some kind of power struggle between partners.

Which of you makes more decisions than the other, or is it equal? Is one of you more dominant than the other? If so, how will this affect your marriage?

Let’s consider another factor about decision-making. Which of you makes the decision more quickly? What effect does this have? In any relationship it is normal for one to be quicker and more decisive. This doesn’t mean that the faster person is any more intelligent than the slower person.

The quicker spouse inserts his thoughts, plans and procedures into the discussion first and has a strong influence. He has the advantage and thus the slower person tends to become even slower. He can’t keep pace or catch up.

It is better that there be a commitment by both spouses to get involved in the overall decision-making process. We have to develop a “couple-pace” of making decisions rather than maintaining our individual paces.

The slow person can learn to go a bit faster, and the faster one can learn to slow down. The point is to formulate our decisions together.

If you’ve ever watched the interaction of puppies, you’ve probably noticed that power struggles are quite common. One puppy rises up to control and rule the rest of the pack. And if this puppy is taken from the litter first, another power struggle ensues until one puppy dominates.

It’s not very different from what we see occurring between humans. The desire to be in control and take charge of one’s life has been evident in people since the Fall.

Why is this? Why is the drive to be in control of everyone and everything so dominant in some people that their life is one pilgrimage after another for power?

Have you ever met a controller? Such a person must be right, must win, must be in charge, and must appear blameless. Ironically, gaining control doesn’t satisfy the controller.

He or she is usually unhappy, afraid of rejection, and unable to be intimate.

The pattern of controlling is counter to the scriptural pattern for marriage. [Not only that, when one person attempts to control a partner, it often kills the love in the relationship.]

The attitude needed in marriage is reflected in Matthew 20:26-28; 23:11; Mark 9:35; 10:43-45; Luke 9:48; 22:26,27.

Read these passages aloud. What do they say to you about what [your] husband and wife roles [will be] in marriage? How do these tie in to today’s key verse . . . ?

All these passages reflect a way of life that Jesus says is better for individuals and couples. And He’s right!